leave me alone, i am writing a punk song

i said, "leave me alone, i am writing a punk song,
and i can hardly stand the way you are soul blocking,
managing my every little detail, shrink wrapping
my thoughts into neat little packages and then
criticizing them based on their outward appearance,
without any comprehension of what is going on behind.
this is not smoke and mirrors. this isn't an illusion. "

forget to lock the doors.
and then watch Psycho,
keeping an eye on all the shadows,
the ways they dance on the walls,
closer to black bears than ballerinas,
but ballerinas with burned skin,
slow turning silhouettes like bastards
telling secrets i can't stand to bear,
because maybe they bring thruths,
and beneath their breath are thoughts
i have had for years.

why so paranoid, young writer?

this is a high pressure situation because:

a)i take pride in the way i write. in fact, if i am not proud of the things i write, i don't put them up, so this is a space for me to start letting go of things that are bad, and keeping them around to remind me. i cannot only hold the good, but i need to have the bad to hold them up against, much like a lightbox which i can let shine onto the pieces of writing that i love, knowing which lines to keep, and which ones to ditch, like an old spare tire at the local dump.

b)others might stumble across this, and if they do, i can see it now, they will hate it, and never come back again. but i know this is the self-loathing man in me. even if people hate my writing, i know that my identity is not in my writing, and that i can take hold of the fact that i find happiness in many other places.

so it continues to begin. i am having trouble getting into the habit of writing every day, as one would be able to tell by looking at the time that passed between the first post and this one.

maybe the title of this blog is a little bit over dramatic

i tend to do things on a whim.

(also i just broke the first rule that i wanted to keep to while writing this blog: don't start any blog with "i").

so i made the decision to start this blog.
i need to learn how to write better.

i want it to be my natural tongue.

i want to feel like there is something missing in my life when i am not writing consistently, like a hunger.

i want it to become like my watch that i wear on my left wrist.

when i don't wear my watch i feel odd for the whole day.

(of course i will not acquire a tan line through my days of writing, but the analogy is true enough).


So i guess i will see where i end up with this along the way; blogging isn't exactly cool, but i will never take the time to hand write anything, so this seems like my only real option.